While there may have been good intentions behind the word “empathy,” today it has been weaponized by the immature. A family that values inclusiveness will always attempt to appease its most ornery members. Criticism is directed at those with strength, at those who stand up to those throwing a tantrum, instead of those screaming and stomping their feet.
Or, more recently, criticism is directed at the broader culture or society instead of at a woman who murdered her three children. It wasn’t her fault, you see. She felt sad and depressed sometimes. And I bet her husband wasn’t perfect either.
All in the name of empathy.
Those who are immature remain immature, and everyone else adapts around them.
It is a power tool in the hands of the overly sensitive. They hurl accusations, take a fall, and everyone scrambles to calm them down. Much like a toddler who cries to get attention from his mother. No one demands anything more, and so they have no reason to mature.
Another example is the labeling of words or certain opinions as “violence” or abuse. The labels imply damage. Words may hurt, but they do not cause damage. There is a big difference.
It is another way for the listener to not take responsibility for their own feelings. They hear the words, and they are helpless before them. They enter their ears, and they just can’t help themselves. It is always someone else’s fault. They have no capacity to self-regulate.
Their feelings are always more important than anything else going on. In fact, they expect you to treat their feelings about something as a concrete, relevant fact, no matter how off-topic or nonsensical those feelings might be. If you don’t treat them as sacrosanct, prepare for accusations and ad hominem attacks.
“Your cis-heteronormative views are bigoted.”
“That’s your white supremacy speaking.”
“You are ignoring her lived experience.”
Sometimes they literally throw a tantrum. Grown adults, yelling and crying and throwing things because they didn’t get their way.
Even the simple fact of 2+2=4 is not immune to these sensitivities.
If you are to be a leader, including the leader of your own family, you must refuse to be tyrannized by someone else’s sensitivities. They can disagree with your opinion. They may not hurl accusations. They may not make the topic about their feelings.
Feelings are not an opinion.
Empathy as Self-Righteousness
One day at the airport, while waiting for my flight to board, a small boy began throwing a long, slow tantrum. The airport was crowded. Standing room only in the terminal.
This boy would whine and scream and collapse on the floor. Then he would whine and yell and bang on the vending machine. Then he would collapse on the floor. Then he would throw his toy away in anger, and the father would go and pick it up.
This hapless father followed him around with a resigned grimace on his face. He would pick him up off the floor and then watch him do it again. Over and over. They walked in a constant circle.
This lasted, no joke, for at least 25 minutes. The macabre routine continued as I left the terminal to board the plane.
And this kid’s screams were the kind that entered your ear and bounced around a bit.
This fool of a father was practicing the modern version of empathy, encouraging his son to remain weak and immature. For what? What lies was he telling himself at that moment?
I don’t know.
But I do know this: both he and his son were miserable. And they were making everyone around them miserable. His passiveness or “niceness” might have been intended to keep the peace, but there was no peace.
Here is a true empathy: looking at your son when he is throwing the same fit at 28 years old. You see the pain and foolishness of his life…and so you spank them now to spare them that future pain.
He will be sad for a minute, but the bitter taste of that medicine will fade quickly.
Sure, you won’t get to brag about “never lifting a hand” to your child. You won’t have that self-righteous fact to hang over everyone else’s head to make them feel guilty, to puff yourself up.
But you were not tyrannized by their sensibilities, and as a result, your family will be better off in the long run.
For more information, I recommend A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.